Wishing it was all just simple

So the last year has been very interesting for me as far as my personal life is concerned. Prior to last May I spent the last 8 1/2 years in back to back long term relationships. Two engagements and three rings (another guy had bought a ring before he had the chance to propose) later I was single. All I could think of was that I don't know how to be single. But I figured I guess it was time to figure it out. So I decided to date this guy, D, who couldn't handle that we wanted different things. He wanted the relationship and I wanted to keep things casual (first time for everything, right?) So we went back and forth for 6 months, but he couldn't take it anymore. No hard feelings, but it was nice while it lasted. Then it was time to put myself out there again. So I dated GC, then, MM, then JC, then DW, then NG, then JP, I know it sounds like a lot, but typically the range went from 1-4 dates, some great, others worth forgetting. Anyway what I have come to the conclusion (as I should have already known) I hate dating. I hate the uncertainty and I hate the unknown. Before this year, I basically fell into relationships. They were instantanous once we hung out we were together, at least that is what it seems like looking back now. So how do you date? When is the right time to call someone after a date? Do you wait to hear from them first? When is it time to discuss exclusivity? When does the stress of wondering ever end? Unfortunately I do not have the answer to any of these questions, and all I keep wishing is that things could be simple. No wondering, no questions, I wish it was just right.

Where did the time go?

Wow, I can't believe the Spring just managed to get away from me and it is already almost the end of June. So what new's? Lots of things!! I often feel like I haven't even seen my couch in months, which for those of you that know me if unheard of. Before recently I lived for my tv time, literally. Every evening and/or afternoon I was not at work was spent in front of the tv, typically with a yummy snack in hand. But as I vowed in March that it was a time for a change, that is exactly what has happened. Now don't get me wrong, change was not instantaneous. Especially the first month I struggled almost every day. Whether it was in motivating myself to exercise or to skip out on a delicious unhealthy meal or snack. But I did it. I made an effort every day to count my calories, and do some form of exercise. Some days it was just for twenty minutes, while other days it was for an hour and a half. Either way I felt like I was accomplishing something. Now food is another story. I LOVE food. I could eat 24 hours a day and never be satisfied, but I had to figure out a way to balance my intake with my goals. So I cut back on my calories and religiously recorded everything I ate and drank. And before I knew it things finally have been working. I am currently 22 pounds lighter than I was at the end of March!! This is actually the lightest I have been in over 3 years. And you know what one of the most exciting parts of this is....I finally can fit in some of my hottest suits for work!! I know it is crazy, but I have been stuck in a basic boring black pant suit for longer than I can remember. Instead of only have 5% of my clothes that I can wear, I know can fit in 85% of it. Now don't get me wrong, I still struggle every day. I fight temptation and the thoughts of just laying on the couch. Sometimes I win and sometimes I lose. But in the end, it is not a sprint, it's a marathon (that's for you T), and ultimately I WILL WIN!! So my previous goal has been updated, ultimately I would like to lose a total of 37 pounds, so that means 15 more to go! Now if only I could become addicted to running...it would probably be a lot easier to get there :)

Honest Scrap Award

Well big sis tagged me with this so here goes:

1. Best Meal Ever: So many choices, since I am basically addicted to food, but I would have to go back to spagetti , meatballs, and gravy (homemade by momma of course) with warm bread and butter and garlic salad. Brings me right back to my childhood.

2. Best Sleep Ever: Just about any night :)

3. Best Cup of Coffee: Well I can't say I am much of a coffee drinker, but Dunkin Donuts iced coffee with extra, extra cream and sugar manages to quench the thirst on occasion; but I would so much rather a nice cup of Vanilla Almond Tea by Republic of Tea.

4. Best Romantic Moment: After I moved to Providence, my boyfriend at the time surprised me the day before Valentine's Day with an unexpected visit. Now although at the time I was questioning our relationship, it was then that he fully poured his heart out to me. We went for a walk and he told me how I changed his life, and he couldn't imagine us not together and he thought I was the love of his life and with a glisten in his eyes, I knew at that moment he meant it.

5. Best Childhood Memory: I would have to go with T on this one. Growing up and all of the experiences tubing and camping with our friends and family. Hayrides, haunted houses, 3 of us sleeping in the car because it was pouring outside, ice skating on the campsite when it was freezing out, sudden rain storms on the river, Jimmies, Dad chopping opening his hand, and all the special one on one fishing trips with Dad.

6. Best Moment of Your Life: I have a lot of moments I am proud of, but I think the best moment is yet to come.

7. Best Moment of Revenge: Without saying too much, what I am doing now and how my life has turned out of the last few months is the perfect revenge. And those of you that know me, understand this completely.

8. Best Thing Someone Has Done For You: My parents raised me to be an intelligent, independent and strong woman. Without them I wouldn't be the person I am today.

9. Best Thing You Have Done For Someone Else: I had an employee that worked for me, but my boss did not particularly believe in her. However I did, so I went to bat for her, developed a new position to work her strengths and I saved her job. She ended up working for me at more than one property and we became life long friends.

10. Best Life Changing Moment: Receiving my offer from my current job. It began a transition in my life and my career, and there is no looking back now.

Time of My Life

Last May I experienced some life altering experiences. Ending another engagement, moving to a new state where I knew absolutely no one (again) and starting a new job. I was stressed, scared and just a bit lost. But with the help of my family and closest friends I made it through everything and am a stronger person today. After some time I became adjusted to my new life and I decided I needed a change. I had spend the last 8 years in back to back long term relationships and I never spent any time with me. So there I was deciding what to do and I was inspired to see the world. Instantly I logged online and began searching for ideas of places to go. I decided that I needed to do this for me and with me alone. So where could I go that I could feel comfortable by myself, I knew the language and I had endless possibilities of things to keep me occupied: London!! So I booked a flight and a room and the rest was history. September finally came and I was off having the time of my life, experiencing the city and everything it had to offer. Shopping in Covent Garden, taking tours, visiting attractions, visiting pubs, and meeting a cute Brit too. I fell in love with the city and still think maybe I will move there.

After my trip, I decided that this was just the beginning. Within days of my return I booked another trip, this time to Madrid. Now although I speak Spanish enough...I decided I wasn't sure if I could do this one alone. So I was lucky enough to have my favorite cousin, G, join me on this trip. Which we just returned from last night. Madrid was beautiful and we were lucky enough to experience some of the amazing aspects the city had to offer; flamenco dancing, classic Spanish cuisine at the oldest restaurant in the world, musuems, crazy flea market in Rastro, tapas, churros con chocolate and wine, wine and more wine.

Each trip is like a drug and I am fully addicted. So where next? I think Paris in the fall sounds like the perfect combination.

Breaking Point

So far 2010 has been a great year for me. I moved into a beautiful new home. Now this is not just any new place, it is basically the essence of my dream home. Check it out (sorry but couldn't figure out how to reverse the order of the pics):

I have always wanted a place I was proud to call my home and I found this here. So finally since moving here I feel settled.

Days after moving in I was promoted to Director of Rooms at my job. Now this is quite an accomplishment, especially since I have only worked at this property for just over 8 months. I can completely say that I love my job and it looks like things at work will only continue to get better.

I am also lucky enough to say that I have been able to add a new person to my circle of best friends. I don't think that it is every day that you find a friend that you really connect with at my age. I find it is much easier to add acquaintances to your life, but true best friends are hard to come by.

So it all seems pretty great, right? Well yes and no. Each one of these things are great, but I am not completely happy with myself. For those of you that know me, I have struggled with my weight since I was a teenager. And today I have reached my breaking point. Today I will make a change. So I pledge to you that I will lose the weight once and for all! I have taken my pre-diet pictures (however I will not be posting them until I lose the weight). And my goal is to lose 35 pounds. Now in order to be accountable I plan to use this as a forum to track my progress. So today is day 1, 35 pounds to go. I began the morning with some cardio with Bob (my favorite trainer) and then a little bit of time of the bike. My caloric intake today was 1345, a bit more than I planned, but you have to start somewhere.

Inspirations

Today I look at my life and overall I consider myself to be a happy person. I have an amazing family and I am lucky enough to consider my sisters and mother among my best friends.

My mother is the epitome of strength, losing the love of her life and still managing to press on every day. I know the struggles I have had with losing my father, so I can only imagine what it was like for her. Now my mother has always been the type of person who doesn't like to share what she is going through. She keeps things inside and never wants to show how vulnerable she really is. She sacrificed her life to build our family and she has managed to raise three amazing women, each sucessful in their own way. My mother is an inspiration to me.

Then there is T, my older sister. Throughout our lives we have always had a bit of competition between the two of us, especially since we are so close in age. There were things I was better at and others that she excelled at. I think this affected our relationship, as it lead to jealousy, among other things. Then one day things changed. She was no longer my competition, but my sister. I look at her life with a bit of envy, but more with a sense of pride. Truly all I see is the amazing woman, mother and friend she has turned into. My big sis is an inspiration to me.

And I could never forget about G, my little sister. Growing up I would have never thought I would be as close to G as I am today. She was just so much younger, so I hate to admit it, but for a good portion of my teenage years she was more of an annoyance to me than anything else. But now, I don't know what I would do without her. She is my comic relief. Not a day goes by that she doesn't have me cracking up. She reminds me of who I am deep down, when I seem to get lost in my own little world. She turns to me for advice or just a shoulder to cry on, always making me feel like she looks up to me; and this is a feeling that carries so much weight in my heart. She stands up for herself and follows her own path. My little sister is an inspiration to me.

So I just want to thank each of you for being an inspiration in my life everyday. I could never imagine my world without you in it. I love you.

No planning could ever prepare you for this...

So my last two posts have noted times in my life were my plans failed me. Before I continue on that tirade, I feel it is beyond important to speak of a time, where no planning could ever prepare me for an event that would change my life forever.

I had just came back home from my first year at college. It was actually the first time my entire family was together again since the holidays. Now let me give you a snap shot of my family at this time, my dad was my rock. My dad and I had a special relationship. I admired him for providing us with everything we had. He was the most amazing man I have ever know. He was hard working, hysterical, and he loved his family more than anything in the world. He was the type of man that everyone wanted to be friends with. He was the reason I came home to visit and he always treated me like a princess. During this time in my life, I didn't get along very well with my mom, turns out it was because we are alike in many ways, but at that point I didn't see it. We fought constantly and could never see eye to eye. Now my sisters, although I loved them very much, we weren't as close as we should have been. G is six years younger and clearly what did I have in common with a 12 year old? T and I were closer but still had a long way to go. She went to school in PA, so that year except for the holidays we really didn't see each other. But no matter what, I loved my family.

So there I was home from college expecting a new freedom I never had in high school. But low and behold, there were the restrictions I had grown so fond of during high school. I remember it was May 15th, I had just finished talking to my mother about going out that night and she told me I had to be in by 11pm. Are you kidding me? I had managed to come home with a 4.0 GPA, where I could stay out as late as I want, and you are telling me I need to be in at 11pm? I can remember how enraged I was. So what did I do? I went to daddy. And as much as I may not remember the majority of the conversation, I can remember him calming me down and telling me that he was so proud of me. Little did I know at the time how I would carry those few moments with me for the rest of my life. So I went out for the afternoon and came back to the house with my with my best friend at the time. We hung out at the house for a bit before leaving at 8pm. As we were driving down my road heading out of town, I looked over to her and said "I think something is wrong with my dad. I have the worst feeling that he is not going to make it through the week." Now don't ask me why I felt so strongly about this, but that week my dad was off. I don't know how to explain it, but he just wasn't himself. The night before he had actually gone to the hospital and they told him he was fine. So there we were not 2 minutes from my house, when my cell phone rings. It was my sister, T. It was almost like I knew what she was going to say before she said it. I answered the phone and she was hysterical and all she said was, "It's dad." So I did a 180 and sped home. As I ran into the door, my sisters were hysterical in the kitchen, barely able to stand. My mom was speechless in the living room. I didn't know what to do or say or how to act. In my mind, nothing was wrong. There was nothing to worry about. Daddy was fine. I walked to the kitchen to be with my sisters. I held them and comforted them, telling them that everything was fine. I just kept repeating everything is going to be okay. Not a tear was shed by me, because what did I have to cry about. My dad was fine. So just moments behind me the paramedics arrived. They all walked into the back of the house where my parents bedroom was located. I couldn't even tell you how long they were there. All I can remember was the moment they began to walk back towards the living room, looking at my mother and shaking their heads. I watched as my mother fell to the ground. It was then that it hit my like 1000 bricks. And from that moment, no matter how I planned or saw my life it would never be the same. My dad would never see me graduate from college, never see me accomplish my goals. He would never walk me down the aisle or meet my future husband and children. He would never see me turn into the woman I am today.

Now I don't think anyone really understands this unless they go through it themselves. They can sympathize and feel for you, but no matter what, they will never get it. Time doesn't heal all, you just learn to accept it and live your life. But it never gets easy. There is never a day that goes by that I don't think of him and wish I could just call him. Wish I could go to him when I am upset, sometimes a girl just needs her dad to wrap his arms around her and tell her everything is going to be okay.

So here I am almost 8 years later, and I stand before you a different person. A strong, independent, successful woman. A person who considers her sisters and mother among her best friends. In losing a father, I somehow managed to regain a family.

Planning....after graduation

So far everything I had planned prior to high school graduation managed to fall apart, but then that was just the beginning. It was time to put that behind me, start new, enjoy my college years. Oh if only it was that easy. I could never seem to grasp the idea of living in the moment and embracing what was in front of me. I was once again back to my old habits of planning the rest of my life. I spent the first part of my freshman year jumping from guy to guy. Now that sounds about 1000 times worse than it was. Basically I lived off of the 3 month rule: if I wasn't your girlfriend and/or didn't foresee a serious future with you within 3 months, then it was bye bye baby. Now this continued throughout my freshman year. Then one day as I spent my day at work in the mall, I met him. The man that would change my life, or at least one of them. Let's just call him LH. Now take in mind that I worked in the middle of the mall, so most of my days were spent giving out my number to guys I would never speak to. I don't know why I couldn't just say no, but after a few months, it got pretty annoying not answering my phone. So I made a decision that I would not give any more guys my number, I just couldn't take it anymore. But there I was in the middle of September and my stand was approached by a group of guys. Conveniently they were looking for jewelry and hoping I could help out. I had to admit LH was possibly the most gorgeous guy I had met. Definite attraction from the start. So there I was stuck, unsure of what to do when he asked me for my number. But lucky enough he did it in a way that made it about my work, so I gave him my work number. Clearly I thought I had gotten off the hook, but no. He said he was hoping for my number. Now I had just vowed to not give out my number, but he was so cute I couldn't resist. But this was it, the last one. And maybe the last one I would ever give out. So LH called me a few times here and there, but we never managed to get together, so I figured that was it. But the day I'm leaving for Christmas in Vermont I arrive for my morning shift to find a letter from LH. My co-worker informed me that he arrived around 6am and dropped it off for me. I was beyond shocked, especially because I hadn't heard from him in so long. But basically the letter included an apology and a plea for me to call him. Now how could I refuse? So I called him that day while I was getting ready for Vermont and made plans to finally get together when I got back. And that is where it all started. Our love was instantaneous, amazing and passionate. From the start we both knew it was meant to be, and before we knew it (4 months later) we were engaged. Oh young love, how it consumes us. So there I was again, planning the rest of my life, starting with a wedding. Now the next few months and years would go just the way they should. We growed together, we fought, we made up, we moved in together and we planned our lives and how they would be once we were married. But clearly like life, our relationship turned into a roller coaster ride. And we were on a quick trip down, gaining more momentum with each day. Then it happened, neither of us could take it anymore and we called it quits. But this was good, we needed this. Although we loved each other, we were young and the fighting just wouldn't stop. We needed to be apart and because of the circumstances I was ok with this. That doesn't mean it wasn't hard, but it was right. At least at the time. So we spent some time apart, but then one day LH came back. He declared his love all over and before you knew it we were engaged...again. But this time we were older and wiser, or at least we thought. So I spent my nights planning our perfect wedding, binder and all. I couldn't have been more organized. We booked our wedding and reception site and even put down a deposit. Invitations were ordered and the guest list was made. Then I wake up on September 15th, thinking it was just another day, but I was wrong. It was a day I will remember for the rest of my life. That afternoon, LH left. He walked away from us and gave up on our future. Now at the time, he couldn't even give me a reason. All he could say was that he just couldn't do this. And there I was abandon in our home, broken. What had happened I thought I would never know or understand (years later the truth was revealed). But what I did know, was that once again my plan would never be fulfilled. Everything I had imagined, my perfect life was gone.

Planning...the early years...

Life is a funny thing. Through days, weeks, months, and years of planning, nothing every really turns out like you expected. Picture this little girly girl about five years old sitting in front of the tv, watching what she thinking is the most exciting show that is on all year...The Miss America Pageant. There I was, a captured audience, enthralled in a world I so wanted to be a part of. From that day I knew I wanted to be Miss America, and every year for the next 10 or so, I thought I would be. So what did I do, I would wait all year and get so excited when the pageant would come on and I would sit there, watching, trying to stay awake to see who would win, hoping and praying that one day that would be me. And sure enough I had my time in the sun. Now I am not your traditional beauty queen. My career was short lived. First round, Miss Pre-teen NJ 4th runner up...yay!! I remember going to Nationals and being so unprepared. Oh and did I mention I forgot to take off my shark watch for the formal gown walk through...ahhh unbelievable. Well these girls had been working their entire lives to be here. I had only just begun. Now don't get me wrong, I knew the next year I would be on top of things and feel like I was meant to be there, and that is exactly how it went. I was Miss Pre-Teen New Jersey 1996. We travelled back to Florida for Nationals, where even though I didn't win, I came home a local celebrity. I was featured in parades, I spoke at school elementary classes about staying drug free and I loved every second of it. It was one of the best times of my young life, but it was the beginning of when everything changed. I was in eighth grade at the time, and didn't have a care in the world. I had more friends than I could imagine, always had a boyfriend and I somehow managed to having this hot body for a 13 year old. Oh those were the days, but that was the beginning and the end of my beauty queen days, so much for planning my future as Miss America.

Summer came and went and I started high school a different person. Let just say I managed to put on a bit of weight, which instantly changed my high school life. But how could it not, all of the superficial, fake friends of course wouldn't be there if I didn't fit into their perfect mold. So I spent the next four years, excelling in school, joining every club, even being Pres or VP of a few and I played a few sports my Freshman and Sophomore years. So what was all of this for, my ultimate plan of getting into NYU. My dream school, the only place I ever wanted to be. So the years past and I managed to finish 11th in my class, which I considered to be pretty impressive. I applied for early admission to NYU and waiting for the day I would hear from them. Now my parents weren't originally too fond of my plan of going to school in NYC, but they knew how difficult it was to get in, so at the end of the day they agreed that if I got in I could go. So I waited patiently for my letter to come, I sent in a few applications for other colleges (but only ones that were free). I didn't even consider other options, this was it. This was going to happen. I had planned and worked so hard for so long for this. So there it was my letter, and what did it say...Dear Ms. Sabino, We are delighted to welcome you to the Class of 2005. Holy shit!! I did it!! Everything that I had planned was coming true. I remember the day I received the letter, my mom cried, partly because she was so proud of me and the other part because she was so upset I would be going to school in NYC. But little did she or I know at the time, that this would be just another dream, another plan that wasn't going to happen. See come the end of the school year I received my financial aid letter, and lets just say it was a bit less than promising. Turns out by the end of four years I would owe over $100,000 in school loans. So my dad sits me down and asks me what I want to be, you know what did I want to do with my life. And basically my response was I wanted to be a mother. So of course he questioned why I would need to go to college for that. Clearly dad, so I could educate my children on the ways of the world. Well my parents weren't buying it, and that meant bye bye to NYU. So now what? I thought about not going to school and maybe waiting a year before finding somewhere I wanted to go. So that next week I went to school and ran into one of the guidance counselors (not mine, but I managed the baseball team for him in 7th and 8th grade) and he asked me where I was going to go to school next year. I explained the story of the money situation and how I wasn't going to go. He told me that he has known me too long and has seen everything I have accomplished and he wouldn't let me not go to school. So he asked me if I was interested in seeing a state school. I said why not. So the next week I headed down to Stockton, where I met the Dean of Admissions, who offered me a spot immediately. And how could I not accept? So, there I was getting ready to graduate, going somewhere I never planned to be.