So my last two posts have noted times in my life were my plans failed me. Before I continue on that tirade, I feel it is beyond important to speak of a time, where no planning could ever prepare me for an event that would change my life forever.
I had just came back home from my first year at college. It was actually the first time my entire family was together again since the holidays. Now let me give you a snap shot of my family at this time, my dad was my rock. My dad and I had a special relationship. I admired him for providing us with everything we had. He was the most amazing man I have ever know. He was hard working, hysterical, and he loved his family more than anything in the world. He was the type of man that everyone wanted to be friends with. He was the reason I came home to visit and he always treated me like a princess. During this time in my life, I didn't get along very well with my mom, turns out it was because we are alike in many ways, but at that point I didn't see it. We fought constantly and could never see eye to eye. Now my sisters, although I loved them very much, we weren't as close as we should have been. G is six years younger and clearly what did I have in common with a 12 year old? T and I were closer but still had a long way to go. She went to school in PA, so that year except for the holidays we really didn't see each other. But no matter what, I loved my family.
So there I was home from college expecting a new freedom I never had in high school. But low and behold, there were the restrictions I had grown so fond of during high school. I remember it was May 15th, I had just finished talking to my mother about going out that night and she told me I had to be in by 11pm. Are you kidding me? I had managed to come home with a 4.0 GPA, where I could stay out as late as I want, and you are telling me I need to be in at 11pm? I can remember how enraged I was. So what did I do? I went to daddy. And as much as I may not remember the majority of the conversation, I can remember him calming me down and telling me that he was so proud of me. Little did I know at the time how I would carry those few moments with me for the rest of my life. So I went out for the afternoon and came back to the house with my with my best friend at the time. We hung out at the house for a bit before leaving at 8pm. As we were driving down my road heading out of town, I looked over to her and said "I think something is wrong with my dad. I have the worst feeling that he is not going to make it through the week." Now don't ask me why I felt so strongly about this, but that week my dad was off. I don't know how to explain it, but he just wasn't himself. The night before he had actually gone to the hospital and they told him he was fine. So there we were not 2 minutes from my house, when my cell phone rings. It was my sister, T. It was almost like I knew what she was going to say before she said it. I answered the phone and she was hysterical and all she said was, "It's dad." So I did a 180 and sped home. As I ran into the door, my sisters were hysterical in the kitchen, barely able to stand. My mom was speechless in the living room. I didn't know what to do or say or how to act. In my mind, nothing was wrong. There was nothing to worry about. Daddy was fine. I walked to the kitchen to be with my sisters. I held them and comforted them, telling them that everything was fine. I just kept repeating everything is going to be okay. Not a tear was shed by me, because what did I have to cry about. My dad was fine. So just moments behind me the paramedics arrived. They all walked into the back of the house where my parents bedroom was located. I couldn't even tell you how long they were there. All I can remember was the moment they began to walk back towards the living room, looking at my mother and shaking their heads. I watched as my mother fell to the ground. It was then that it hit my like 1000 bricks. And from that moment, no matter how I planned or saw my life it would never be the same. My dad would never see me graduate from college, never see me accomplish my goals. He would never walk me down the aisle or meet my future husband and children. He would never see me turn into the woman I am today.
Now I don't think anyone really understands this unless they go through it themselves. They can sympathize and feel for you, but no matter what, they will never get it. Time doesn't heal all, you just learn to accept it and live your life. But it never gets easy. There is never a day that goes by that I don't think of him and wish I could just call him. Wish I could go to him when I am upset, sometimes a girl just needs her dad to wrap his arms around her and tell her everything is going to be okay.
So here I am almost 8 years later, and I stand before you a different person. A strong, independent, successful woman. A person who considers her sisters and mother among her best friends. In losing a father, I somehow managed to regain a family.
I had just came back home from my first year at college. It was actually the first time my entire family was together again since the holidays. Now let me give you a snap shot of my family at this time, my dad was my rock. My dad and I had a special relationship. I admired him for providing us with everything we had. He was the most amazing man I have ever know. He was hard working, hysterical, and he loved his family more than anything in the world. He was the type of man that everyone wanted to be friends with. He was the reason I came home to visit and he always treated me like a princess. During this time in my life, I didn't get along very well with my mom, turns out it was because we are alike in many ways, but at that point I didn't see it. We fought constantly and could never see eye to eye. Now my sisters, although I loved them very much, we weren't as close as we should have been. G is six years younger and clearly what did I have in common with a 12 year old? T and I were closer but still had a long way to go. She went to school in PA, so that year except for the holidays we really didn't see each other. But no matter what, I loved my family.
So there I was home from college expecting a new freedom I never had in high school. But low and behold, there were the restrictions I had grown so fond of during high school. I remember it was May 15th, I had just finished talking to my mother about going out that night and she told me I had to be in by 11pm. Are you kidding me? I had managed to come home with a 4.0 GPA, where I could stay out as late as I want, and you are telling me I need to be in at 11pm? I can remember how enraged I was. So what did I do? I went to daddy. And as much as I may not remember the majority of the conversation, I can remember him calming me down and telling me that he was so proud of me. Little did I know at the time how I would carry those few moments with me for the rest of my life. So I went out for the afternoon and came back to the house with my with my best friend at the time. We hung out at the house for a bit before leaving at 8pm. As we were driving down my road heading out of town, I looked over to her and said "I think something is wrong with my dad. I have the worst feeling that he is not going to make it through the week." Now don't ask me why I felt so strongly about this, but that week my dad was off. I don't know how to explain it, but he just wasn't himself. The night before he had actually gone to the hospital and they told him he was fine. So there we were not 2 minutes from my house, when my cell phone rings. It was my sister, T. It was almost like I knew what she was going to say before she said it. I answered the phone and she was hysterical and all she said was, "It's dad." So I did a 180 and sped home. As I ran into the door, my sisters were hysterical in the kitchen, barely able to stand. My mom was speechless in the living room. I didn't know what to do or say or how to act. In my mind, nothing was wrong. There was nothing to worry about. Daddy was fine. I walked to the kitchen to be with my sisters. I held them and comforted them, telling them that everything was fine. I just kept repeating everything is going to be okay. Not a tear was shed by me, because what did I have to cry about. My dad was fine. So just moments behind me the paramedics arrived. They all walked into the back of the house where my parents bedroom was located. I couldn't even tell you how long they were there. All I can remember was the moment they began to walk back towards the living room, looking at my mother and shaking their heads. I watched as my mother fell to the ground. It was then that it hit my like 1000 bricks. And from that moment, no matter how I planned or saw my life it would never be the same. My dad would never see me graduate from college, never see me accomplish my goals. He would never walk me down the aisle or meet my future husband and children. He would never see me turn into the woman I am today.
Now I don't think anyone really understands this unless they go through it themselves. They can sympathize and feel for you, but no matter what, they will never get it. Time doesn't heal all, you just learn to accept it and live your life. But it never gets easy. There is never a day that goes by that I don't think of him and wish I could just call him. Wish I could go to him when I am upset, sometimes a girl just needs her dad to wrap his arms around her and tell her everything is going to be okay.
So here I am almost 8 years later, and I stand before you a different person. A strong, independent, successful woman. A person who considers her sisters and mother among her best friends. In losing a father, I somehow managed to regain a family.
it's crazy how reading that can still make me cry after all this time. I love you!
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