No planning could ever prepare you for this...

So my last two posts have noted times in my life were my plans failed me. Before I continue on that tirade, I feel it is beyond important to speak of a time, where no planning could ever prepare me for an event that would change my life forever.

I had just came back home from my first year at college. It was actually the first time my entire family was together again since the holidays. Now let me give you a snap shot of my family at this time, my dad was my rock. My dad and I had a special relationship. I admired him for providing us with everything we had. He was the most amazing man I have ever know. He was hard working, hysterical, and he loved his family more than anything in the world. He was the type of man that everyone wanted to be friends with. He was the reason I came home to visit and he always treated me like a princess. During this time in my life, I didn't get along very well with my mom, turns out it was because we are alike in many ways, but at that point I didn't see it. We fought constantly and could never see eye to eye. Now my sisters, although I loved them very much, we weren't as close as we should have been. G is six years younger and clearly what did I have in common with a 12 year old? T and I were closer but still had a long way to go. She went to school in PA, so that year except for the holidays we really didn't see each other. But no matter what, I loved my family.

So there I was home from college expecting a new freedom I never had in high school. But low and behold, there were the restrictions I had grown so fond of during high school. I remember it was May 15th, I had just finished talking to my mother about going out that night and she told me I had to be in by 11pm. Are you kidding me? I had managed to come home with a 4.0 GPA, where I could stay out as late as I want, and you are telling me I need to be in at 11pm? I can remember how enraged I was. So what did I do? I went to daddy. And as much as I may not remember the majority of the conversation, I can remember him calming me down and telling me that he was so proud of me. Little did I know at the time how I would carry those few moments with me for the rest of my life. So I went out for the afternoon and came back to the house with my with my best friend at the time. We hung out at the house for a bit before leaving at 8pm. As we were driving down my road heading out of town, I looked over to her and said "I think something is wrong with my dad. I have the worst feeling that he is not going to make it through the week." Now don't ask me why I felt so strongly about this, but that week my dad was off. I don't know how to explain it, but he just wasn't himself. The night before he had actually gone to the hospital and they told him he was fine. So there we were not 2 minutes from my house, when my cell phone rings. It was my sister, T. It was almost like I knew what she was going to say before she said it. I answered the phone and she was hysterical and all she said was, "It's dad." So I did a 180 and sped home. As I ran into the door, my sisters were hysterical in the kitchen, barely able to stand. My mom was speechless in the living room. I didn't know what to do or say or how to act. In my mind, nothing was wrong. There was nothing to worry about. Daddy was fine. I walked to the kitchen to be with my sisters. I held them and comforted them, telling them that everything was fine. I just kept repeating everything is going to be okay. Not a tear was shed by me, because what did I have to cry about. My dad was fine. So just moments behind me the paramedics arrived. They all walked into the back of the house where my parents bedroom was located. I couldn't even tell you how long they were there. All I can remember was the moment they began to walk back towards the living room, looking at my mother and shaking their heads. I watched as my mother fell to the ground. It was then that it hit my like 1000 bricks. And from that moment, no matter how I planned or saw my life it would never be the same. My dad would never see me graduate from college, never see me accomplish my goals. He would never walk me down the aisle or meet my future husband and children. He would never see me turn into the woman I am today.

Now I don't think anyone really understands this unless they go through it themselves. They can sympathize and feel for you, but no matter what, they will never get it. Time doesn't heal all, you just learn to accept it and live your life. But it never gets easy. There is never a day that goes by that I don't think of him and wish I could just call him. Wish I could go to him when I am upset, sometimes a girl just needs her dad to wrap his arms around her and tell her everything is going to be okay.

So here I am almost 8 years later, and I stand before you a different person. A strong, independent, successful woman. A person who considers her sisters and mother among her best friends. In losing a father, I somehow managed to regain a family.

Planning....after graduation

So far everything I had planned prior to high school graduation managed to fall apart, but then that was just the beginning. It was time to put that behind me, start new, enjoy my college years. Oh if only it was that easy. I could never seem to grasp the idea of living in the moment and embracing what was in front of me. I was once again back to my old habits of planning the rest of my life. I spent the first part of my freshman year jumping from guy to guy. Now that sounds about 1000 times worse than it was. Basically I lived off of the 3 month rule: if I wasn't your girlfriend and/or didn't foresee a serious future with you within 3 months, then it was bye bye baby. Now this continued throughout my freshman year. Then one day as I spent my day at work in the mall, I met him. The man that would change my life, or at least one of them. Let's just call him LH. Now take in mind that I worked in the middle of the mall, so most of my days were spent giving out my number to guys I would never speak to. I don't know why I couldn't just say no, but after a few months, it got pretty annoying not answering my phone. So I made a decision that I would not give any more guys my number, I just couldn't take it anymore. But there I was in the middle of September and my stand was approached by a group of guys. Conveniently they were looking for jewelry and hoping I could help out. I had to admit LH was possibly the most gorgeous guy I had met. Definite attraction from the start. So there I was stuck, unsure of what to do when he asked me for my number. But lucky enough he did it in a way that made it about my work, so I gave him my work number. Clearly I thought I had gotten off the hook, but no. He said he was hoping for my number. Now I had just vowed to not give out my number, but he was so cute I couldn't resist. But this was it, the last one. And maybe the last one I would ever give out. So LH called me a few times here and there, but we never managed to get together, so I figured that was it. But the day I'm leaving for Christmas in Vermont I arrive for my morning shift to find a letter from LH. My co-worker informed me that he arrived around 6am and dropped it off for me. I was beyond shocked, especially because I hadn't heard from him in so long. But basically the letter included an apology and a plea for me to call him. Now how could I refuse? So I called him that day while I was getting ready for Vermont and made plans to finally get together when I got back. And that is where it all started. Our love was instantaneous, amazing and passionate. From the start we both knew it was meant to be, and before we knew it (4 months later) we were engaged. Oh young love, how it consumes us. So there I was again, planning the rest of my life, starting with a wedding. Now the next few months and years would go just the way they should. We growed together, we fought, we made up, we moved in together and we planned our lives and how they would be once we were married. But clearly like life, our relationship turned into a roller coaster ride. And we were on a quick trip down, gaining more momentum with each day. Then it happened, neither of us could take it anymore and we called it quits. But this was good, we needed this. Although we loved each other, we were young and the fighting just wouldn't stop. We needed to be apart and because of the circumstances I was ok with this. That doesn't mean it wasn't hard, but it was right. At least at the time. So we spent some time apart, but then one day LH came back. He declared his love all over and before you knew it we were engaged...again. But this time we were older and wiser, or at least we thought. So I spent my nights planning our perfect wedding, binder and all. I couldn't have been more organized. We booked our wedding and reception site and even put down a deposit. Invitations were ordered and the guest list was made. Then I wake up on September 15th, thinking it was just another day, but I was wrong. It was a day I will remember for the rest of my life. That afternoon, LH left. He walked away from us and gave up on our future. Now at the time, he couldn't even give me a reason. All he could say was that he just couldn't do this. And there I was abandon in our home, broken. What had happened I thought I would never know or understand (years later the truth was revealed). But what I did know, was that once again my plan would never be fulfilled. Everything I had imagined, my perfect life was gone.

Planning...the early years...

Life is a funny thing. Through days, weeks, months, and years of planning, nothing every really turns out like you expected. Picture this little girly girl about five years old sitting in front of the tv, watching what she thinking is the most exciting show that is on all year...The Miss America Pageant. There I was, a captured audience, enthralled in a world I so wanted to be a part of. From that day I knew I wanted to be Miss America, and every year for the next 10 or so, I thought I would be. So what did I do, I would wait all year and get so excited when the pageant would come on and I would sit there, watching, trying to stay awake to see who would win, hoping and praying that one day that would be me. And sure enough I had my time in the sun. Now I am not your traditional beauty queen. My career was short lived. First round, Miss Pre-teen NJ 4th runner up...yay!! I remember going to Nationals and being so unprepared. Oh and did I mention I forgot to take off my shark watch for the formal gown walk through...ahhh unbelievable. Well these girls had been working their entire lives to be here. I had only just begun. Now don't get me wrong, I knew the next year I would be on top of things and feel like I was meant to be there, and that is exactly how it went. I was Miss Pre-Teen New Jersey 1996. We travelled back to Florida for Nationals, where even though I didn't win, I came home a local celebrity. I was featured in parades, I spoke at school elementary classes about staying drug free and I loved every second of it. It was one of the best times of my young life, but it was the beginning of when everything changed. I was in eighth grade at the time, and didn't have a care in the world. I had more friends than I could imagine, always had a boyfriend and I somehow managed to having this hot body for a 13 year old. Oh those were the days, but that was the beginning and the end of my beauty queen days, so much for planning my future as Miss America.

Summer came and went and I started high school a different person. Let just say I managed to put on a bit of weight, which instantly changed my high school life. But how could it not, all of the superficial, fake friends of course wouldn't be there if I didn't fit into their perfect mold. So I spent the next four years, excelling in school, joining every club, even being Pres or VP of a few and I played a few sports my Freshman and Sophomore years. So what was all of this for, my ultimate plan of getting into NYU. My dream school, the only place I ever wanted to be. So the years past and I managed to finish 11th in my class, which I considered to be pretty impressive. I applied for early admission to NYU and waiting for the day I would hear from them. Now my parents weren't originally too fond of my plan of going to school in NYC, but they knew how difficult it was to get in, so at the end of the day they agreed that if I got in I could go. So I waited patiently for my letter to come, I sent in a few applications for other colleges (but only ones that were free). I didn't even consider other options, this was it. This was going to happen. I had planned and worked so hard for so long for this. So there it was my letter, and what did it say...Dear Ms. Sabino, We are delighted to welcome you to the Class of 2005. Holy shit!! I did it!! Everything that I had planned was coming true. I remember the day I received the letter, my mom cried, partly because she was so proud of me and the other part because she was so upset I would be going to school in NYC. But little did she or I know at the time, that this would be just another dream, another plan that wasn't going to happen. See come the end of the school year I received my financial aid letter, and lets just say it was a bit less than promising. Turns out by the end of four years I would owe over $100,000 in school loans. So my dad sits me down and asks me what I want to be, you know what did I want to do with my life. And basically my response was I wanted to be a mother. So of course he questioned why I would need to go to college for that. Clearly dad, so I could educate my children on the ways of the world. Well my parents weren't buying it, and that meant bye bye to NYU. So now what? I thought about not going to school and maybe waiting a year before finding somewhere I wanted to go. So that next week I went to school and ran into one of the guidance counselors (not mine, but I managed the baseball team for him in 7th and 8th grade) and he asked me where I was going to go to school next year. I explained the story of the money situation and how I wasn't going to go. He told me that he has known me too long and has seen everything I have accomplished and he wouldn't let me not go to school. So he asked me if I was interested in seeing a state school. I said why not. So the next week I headed down to Stockton, where I met the Dean of Admissions, who offered me a spot immediately. And how could I not accept? So, there I was getting ready to graduate, going somewhere I never planned to be.