Wishing it was all just simple

So the last year has been very interesting for me as far as my personal life is concerned. Prior to last May I spent the last 8 1/2 years in back to back long term relationships. Two engagements and three rings (another guy had bought a ring before he had the chance to propose) later I was single. All I could think of was that I don't know how to be single. But I figured I guess it was time to figure it out. So I decided to date this guy, D, who couldn't handle that we wanted different things. He wanted the relationship and I wanted to keep things casual (first time for everything, right?) So we went back and forth for 6 months, but he couldn't take it anymore. No hard feelings, but it was nice while it lasted. Then it was time to put myself out there again. So I dated GC, then, MM, then JC, then DW, then NG, then JP, I know it sounds like a lot, but typically the range went from 1-4 dates, some great, others worth forgetting. Anyway what I have come to the conclusion (as I should have already known) I hate dating. I hate the uncertainty and I hate the unknown. Before this year, I basically fell into relationships. They were instantanous once we hung out we were together, at least that is what it seems like looking back now. So how do you date? When is the right time to call someone after a date? Do you wait to hear from them first? When is it time to discuss exclusivity? When does the stress of wondering ever end? Unfortunately I do not have the answer to any of these questions, and all I keep wishing is that things could be simple. No wondering, no questions, I wish it was just right.

Where did the time go?

Wow, I can't believe the Spring just managed to get away from me and it is already almost the end of June. So what new's? Lots of things!! I often feel like I haven't even seen my couch in months, which for those of you that know me if unheard of. Before recently I lived for my tv time, literally. Every evening and/or afternoon I was not at work was spent in front of the tv, typically with a yummy snack in hand. But as I vowed in March that it was a time for a change, that is exactly what has happened. Now don't get me wrong, change was not instantaneous. Especially the first month I struggled almost every day. Whether it was in motivating myself to exercise or to skip out on a delicious unhealthy meal or snack. But I did it. I made an effort every day to count my calories, and do some form of exercise. Some days it was just for twenty minutes, while other days it was for an hour and a half. Either way I felt like I was accomplishing something. Now food is another story. I LOVE food. I could eat 24 hours a day and never be satisfied, but I had to figure out a way to balance my intake with my goals. So I cut back on my calories and religiously recorded everything I ate and drank. And before I knew it things finally have been working. I am currently 22 pounds lighter than I was at the end of March!! This is actually the lightest I have been in over 3 years. And you know what one of the most exciting parts of this is....I finally can fit in some of my hottest suits for work!! I know it is crazy, but I have been stuck in a basic boring black pant suit for longer than I can remember. Instead of only have 5% of my clothes that I can wear, I know can fit in 85% of it. Now don't get me wrong, I still struggle every day. I fight temptation and the thoughts of just laying on the couch. Sometimes I win and sometimes I lose. But in the end, it is not a sprint, it's a marathon (that's for you T), and ultimately I WILL WIN!! So my previous goal has been updated, ultimately I would like to lose a total of 37 pounds, so that means 15 more to go! Now if only I could become addicted to running...it would probably be a lot easier to get there :)

Honest Scrap Award

Well big sis tagged me with this so here goes:

1. Best Meal Ever: So many choices, since I am basically addicted to food, but I would have to go back to spagetti , meatballs, and gravy (homemade by momma of course) with warm bread and butter and garlic salad. Brings me right back to my childhood.

2. Best Sleep Ever: Just about any night :)

3. Best Cup of Coffee: Well I can't say I am much of a coffee drinker, but Dunkin Donuts iced coffee with extra, extra cream and sugar manages to quench the thirst on occasion; but I would so much rather a nice cup of Vanilla Almond Tea by Republic of Tea.

4. Best Romantic Moment: After I moved to Providence, my boyfriend at the time surprised me the day before Valentine's Day with an unexpected visit. Now although at the time I was questioning our relationship, it was then that he fully poured his heart out to me. We went for a walk and he told me how I changed his life, and he couldn't imagine us not together and he thought I was the love of his life and with a glisten in his eyes, I knew at that moment he meant it.

5. Best Childhood Memory: I would have to go with T on this one. Growing up and all of the experiences tubing and camping with our friends and family. Hayrides, haunted houses, 3 of us sleeping in the car because it was pouring outside, ice skating on the campsite when it was freezing out, sudden rain storms on the river, Jimmies, Dad chopping opening his hand, and all the special one on one fishing trips with Dad.

6. Best Moment of Your Life: I have a lot of moments I am proud of, but I think the best moment is yet to come.

7. Best Moment of Revenge: Without saying too much, what I am doing now and how my life has turned out of the last few months is the perfect revenge. And those of you that know me, understand this completely.

8. Best Thing Someone Has Done For You: My parents raised me to be an intelligent, independent and strong woman. Without them I wouldn't be the person I am today.

9. Best Thing You Have Done For Someone Else: I had an employee that worked for me, but my boss did not particularly believe in her. However I did, so I went to bat for her, developed a new position to work her strengths and I saved her job. She ended up working for me at more than one property and we became life long friends.

10. Best Life Changing Moment: Receiving my offer from my current job. It began a transition in my life and my career, and there is no looking back now.

Time of My Life

Last May I experienced some life altering experiences. Ending another engagement, moving to a new state where I knew absolutely no one (again) and starting a new job. I was stressed, scared and just a bit lost. But with the help of my family and closest friends I made it through everything and am a stronger person today. After some time I became adjusted to my new life and I decided I needed a change. I had spend the last 8 years in back to back long term relationships and I never spent any time with me. So there I was deciding what to do and I was inspired to see the world. Instantly I logged online and began searching for ideas of places to go. I decided that I needed to do this for me and with me alone. So where could I go that I could feel comfortable by myself, I knew the language and I had endless possibilities of things to keep me occupied: London!! So I booked a flight and a room and the rest was history. September finally came and I was off having the time of my life, experiencing the city and everything it had to offer. Shopping in Covent Garden, taking tours, visiting attractions, visiting pubs, and meeting a cute Brit too. I fell in love with the city and still think maybe I will move there.

After my trip, I decided that this was just the beginning. Within days of my return I booked another trip, this time to Madrid. Now although I speak Spanish enough...I decided I wasn't sure if I could do this one alone. So I was lucky enough to have my favorite cousin, G, join me on this trip. Which we just returned from last night. Madrid was beautiful and we were lucky enough to experience some of the amazing aspects the city had to offer; flamenco dancing, classic Spanish cuisine at the oldest restaurant in the world, musuems, crazy flea market in Rastro, tapas, churros con chocolate and wine, wine and more wine.

Each trip is like a drug and I am fully addicted. So where next? I think Paris in the fall sounds like the perfect combination.

Breaking Point

So far 2010 has been a great year for me. I moved into a beautiful new home. Now this is not just any new place, it is basically the essence of my dream home. Check it out (sorry but couldn't figure out how to reverse the order of the pics):

I have always wanted a place I was proud to call my home and I found this here. So finally since moving here I feel settled.

Days after moving in I was promoted to Director of Rooms at my job. Now this is quite an accomplishment, especially since I have only worked at this property for just over 8 months. I can completely say that I love my job and it looks like things at work will only continue to get better.

I am also lucky enough to say that I have been able to add a new person to my circle of best friends. I don't think that it is every day that you find a friend that you really connect with at my age. I find it is much easier to add acquaintances to your life, but true best friends are hard to come by.

So it all seems pretty great, right? Well yes and no. Each one of these things are great, but I am not completely happy with myself. For those of you that know me, I have struggled with my weight since I was a teenager. And today I have reached my breaking point. Today I will make a change. So I pledge to you that I will lose the weight once and for all! I have taken my pre-diet pictures (however I will not be posting them until I lose the weight). And my goal is to lose 35 pounds. Now in order to be accountable I plan to use this as a forum to track my progress. So today is day 1, 35 pounds to go. I began the morning with some cardio with Bob (my favorite trainer) and then a little bit of time of the bike. My caloric intake today was 1345, a bit more than I planned, but you have to start somewhere.

Inspirations

Today I look at my life and overall I consider myself to be a happy person. I have an amazing family and I am lucky enough to consider my sisters and mother among my best friends.

My mother is the epitome of strength, losing the love of her life and still managing to press on every day. I know the struggles I have had with losing my father, so I can only imagine what it was like for her. Now my mother has always been the type of person who doesn't like to share what she is going through. She keeps things inside and never wants to show how vulnerable she really is. She sacrificed her life to build our family and she has managed to raise three amazing women, each sucessful in their own way. My mother is an inspiration to me.

Then there is T, my older sister. Throughout our lives we have always had a bit of competition between the two of us, especially since we are so close in age. There were things I was better at and others that she excelled at. I think this affected our relationship, as it lead to jealousy, among other things. Then one day things changed. She was no longer my competition, but my sister. I look at her life with a bit of envy, but more with a sense of pride. Truly all I see is the amazing woman, mother and friend she has turned into. My big sis is an inspiration to me.

And I could never forget about G, my little sister. Growing up I would have never thought I would be as close to G as I am today. She was just so much younger, so I hate to admit it, but for a good portion of my teenage years she was more of an annoyance to me than anything else. But now, I don't know what I would do without her. She is my comic relief. Not a day goes by that she doesn't have me cracking up. She reminds me of who I am deep down, when I seem to get lost in my own little world. She turns to me for advice or just a shoulder to cry on, always making me feel like she looks up to me; and this is a feeling that carries so much weight in my heart. She stands up for herself and follows her own path. My little sister is an inspiration to me.

So I just want to thank each of you for being an inspiration in my life everyday. I could never imagine my world without you in it. I love you.

No planning could ever prepare you for this...

So my last two posts have noted times in my life were my plans failed me. Before I continue on that tirade, I feel it is beyond important to speak of a time, where no planning could ever prepare me for an event that would change my life forever.

I had just came back home from my first year at college. It was actually the first time my entire family was together again since the holidays. Now let me give you a snap shot of my family at this time, my dad was my rock. My dad and I had a special relationship. I admired him for providing us with everything we had. He was the most amazing man I have ever know. He was hard working, hysterical, and he loved his family more than anything in the world. He was the type of man that everyone wanted to be friends with. He was the reason I came home to visit and he always treated me like a princess. During this time in my life, I didn't get along very well with my mom, turns out it was because we are alike in many ways, but at that point I didn't see it. We fought constantly and could never see eye to eye. Now my sisters, although I loved them very much, we weren't as close as we should have been. G is six years younger and clearly what did I have in common with a 12 year old? T and I were closer but still had a long way to go. She went to school in PA, so that year except for the holidays we really didn't see each other. But no matter what, I loved my family.

So there I was home from college expecting a new freedom I never had in high school. But low and behold, there were the restrictions I had grown so fond of during high school. I remember it was May 15th, I had just finished talking to my mother about going out that night and she told me I had to be in by 11pm. Are you kidding me? I had managed to come home with a 4.0 GPA, where I could stay out as late as I want, and you are telling me I need to be in at 11pm? I can remember how enraged I was. So what did I do? I went to daddy. And as much as I may not remember the majority of the conversation, I can remember him calming me down and telling me that he was so proud of me. Little did I know at the time how I would carry those few moments with me for the rest of my life. So I went out for the afternoon and came back to the house with my with my best friend at the time. We hung out at the house for a bit before leaving at 8pm. As we were driving down my road heading out of town, I looked over to her and said "I think something is wrong with my dad. I have the worst feeling that he is not going to make it through the week." Now don't ask me why I felt so strongly about this, but that week my dad was off. I don't know how to explain it, but he just wasn't himself. The night before he had actually gone to the hospital and they told him he was fine. So there we were not 2 minutes from my house, when my cell phone rings. It was my sister, T. It was almost like I knew what she was going to say before she said it. I answered the phone and she was hysterical and all she said was, "It's dad." So I did a 180 and sped home. As I ran into the door, my sisters were hysterical in the kitchen, barely able to stand. My mom was speechless in the living room. I didn't know what to do or say or how to act. In my mind, nothing was wrong. There was nothing to worry about. Daddy was fine. I walked to the kitchen to be with my sisters. I held them and comforted them, telling them that everything was fine. I just kept repeating everything is going to be okay. Not a tear was shed by me, because what did I have to cry about. My dad was fine. So just moments behind me the paramedics arrived. They all walked into the back of the house where my parents bedroom was located. I couldn't even tell you how long they were there. All I can remember was the moment they began to walk back towards the living room, looking at my mother and shaking their heads. I watched as my mother fell to the ground. It was then that it hit my like 1000 bricks. And from that moment, no matter how I planned or saw my life it would never be the same. My dad would never see me graduate from college, never see me accomplish my goals. He would never walk me down the aisle or meet my future husband and children. He would never see me turn into the woman I am today.

Now I don't think anyone really understands this unless they go through it themselves. They can sympathize and feel for you, but no matter what, they will never get it. Time doesn't heal all, you just learn to accept it and live your life. But it never gets easy. There is never a day that goes by that I don't think of him and wish I could just call him. Wish I could go to him when I am upset, sometimes a girl just needs her dad to wrap his arms around her and tell her everything is going to be okay.

So here I am almost 8 years later, and I stand before you a different person. A strong, independent, successful woman. A person who considers her sisters and mother among her best friends. In losing a father, I somehow managed to regain a family.